The 400 Year Old Virgin
by razatip
Summary: A tale of Envy's virginal woes. Future EnvyxEd.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist.

**Warnings: **Language, future shounen-ai and/or yaoi

**A/N:** I've never seen the 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' or whatever it's called. I just thought adding an extra zero to the forty would make for a nice title. Heh. I've had this idea for awhile, but there's not much to it. Hopefully I'll be hit by some plot bunnies sooner or later…

_Envy's PoV_

**The 400 Year Old Virgin**

Lust once told me that it was sad how I never indulged myself in pleasurable acts and such, but I simply retorted with, 'Why should I?' It's never interested me. There are far better things to waste one's time on than sex. And really, it's disgusting. Why would I want to participate in it? _Who_ would I do it with anyway? A human? The thought's enough to make me feel ill… One of the other homunculi…? When the options are brats, sleazy women, old men, or fat asses, I'd rather pass on that.

Although, when I was younger, I can't say that I wasn't curious. But by younger, I mean when I was pushing my hundredth…birthday? Can you even call the day I was reborn a _birthday? _Eh… Maybe it was more like my 150th… Whenever the hell Greed was made.

As I was saying, when Greed was around, things were…interesting. He wanted me; he made no effort to hide it. This was when I decided to wear a skimpier sort of outfit, just to piss him off. And it worked, I'll assure you. If I weren't as quick and strong as I am, the bastard would probably have tried to take me without consent.

Like that could happen. Ha!

He told me that he would make whatever time I gave him worthwhile and asked that I only go to bed with him once.

…Is he stupid? What the hell made him think I would agree to that? The only thing he succeeded in was making me curious, but my curiosity quickly left and Greed eventually gave up after I sent a few kicks to his groin area when he pissed me off…

Enough of this silly back story. Time for the tale of my virginal woes.

-

I was innocently minding my own business tearing apart Wrath's room to find his precious cache of sugary goodness when I heard the strangest conversation coming from Lust's room… You see, Wrath, being the unlucky brat that he was, happened to have a room next to Lust's. Mine, thankfully, was on the other side of the manor, so I rarely have to listen to her gripe about how much she wishes she was human. Sloth also has a room in this wing of the manor, so I've named their gloomy little side of the house 'The Hall of Human Wannabes'. Rightly named, wouldn't you think?

Curious, I momentarily stopped my search in order to lean closer to the wall, listening intently. I wasn't eavesdropping, of course, so get that idea out of your head. I was gathering information.

"How was he?"

My brows furrowed in puzzlement. That wasn't Lust's voice… It took me a few moments to realize that it was Sloth. I should have known… I was about to go back to searching, not wanting to listen in on 'girl talk' when Lust replied.

"Oh he was a nice one. First human that had me screaming in years."

Puzzlement evolved into confusion as I stared at the wall. This man had Lust _screaming_? Wasn't it supposed to be the _other_ way around? I just couldn't figure out why Lust would sound so…satisfied by a human making her scream…

"Did you kill him off? You should have let me have a go with him!"

Sloth sounded whiny, if possible. Not quite Wrath whiney, but more like she was a human child being denied her favorite candy. Speaking of candy, I knew I should continue scouring the room… Wrath wouldn't stay tied up for long.

"Stop complaining. There's plenty of other men out there."

I quirked an eyebrow and moved away from the wall, kneeling to open the drawers of Wrath's nightstand by his bed. So Lust was starting to act like her given name… It was no concern of mine. If she wanted to run about screwing men like some nymphomaniac, then so be it. I didn't care.

There was a sigh, then an eager voice, "Details then, Lust."

Frowning slightly, I glanced over at the wall. Aren't old places like Dante's manor built strong? So why exactly are the walls so thin? You are _not_ supposed to hear girl talk coming from through the walls.

Then a thought hit me. What if Dante decided to join in on their talk?

She'd bring up her past experiences…

That bastard was one of her past experiences…

Oh God, what a horrible mental picture… I shuddered violently and shook my head. I _really_ didn't need to see two decaying humans going at it. Two humans that were once my frickin' parents… Disgusting. Utterly mortifying…

I spent the next fifteen minutes unable to leave Wrath's room as I sat glued to the spot, listening to Lust's every word. Occasionally I would rummage through the nightstand's drawer, trying to ignore the talk going on next door, but it was…rather difficult. Despite how disgusting Lust's _very _detailed monologue was, I couldn't help but feel curious, that same curiosity that overcame me when Greed had chitchatted about it two hundred some years ago.

Some of the things Lust described sounded painful… Lust never came across as a masochist before, so maybe it didn't really hurt _that_ badly…

But screaming? How could something that makes you scream feel _good_?

Killing makes me feel good, not mingling with humans in intimate ways. Ugh.

Sighing, I finally got to my feet when I heard Sloth leave Lust's bedroom. I still hadn't found what I was looking for, but I began making my way towards the door only to nearly be run over. Then I remembered that I had tied Wrath up and left him to rot beneath Gluttony's bed. Sloth probably freed him when she left Lust…

That thought had me thinking. Did Gluttony even sleep? If so, how the _hell_ could he fit on a bed? How could he not _break_ it for that matter?

"OUT!" I blinked and glanced back over my shoulder and into the room.

Oh yeah, Wrath had escaped…

"Whaddya want, brat?" I asked ever so sweetly.

"I said _OUT!_" he repeated with a stomp of his foot, looking just as irritated as I felt. I simply stared. "_Leave! _Momma's gonna be talking to Lust soon, and I don't wanna miss it!"

…what a perv.

With a roll of my eyes, I left the room only to have the door slammed shut behind me. Tch. Fuckin' brat. I would have beat the hell out of him right then and there but I was too preoccupied with my thoughts…

The door opened just as I was walking down the hallway, and Wrath's head poked out. "My candy was under my bed, y'know. Can't believe you didn't check there." My eyes widened and I whirled around to see his smug, ugly little face sticking out his tongue.

He slammed the door again. Bastard.

-

Once again, my curiosity for sex was sparked. I didn't dare ask Lust or Sloth about it. I didn't dare ask anyone. Last time the idea had left my mind, so hopefully it would leave again, just as quickly as it had before.

It didn't. A few days passed and I was still dying to know more about it, to possibly _try_ it even. But my pride was still in tact…

After a week, I was actually glad to receive an assignment from Dante. A boring one, but possibly something that would get my mind off things.

Such as sex.

But this wasn't just _any_ assignment. You see, Lust was busy with another order. Sloth was busy with secretary work for Pride who was busy with his Fuhrer duties. Wrath and Gluttony can't be asked to do anything, so this particular 'mission' was assigned to me. Usually Lust dealt with stalking and such, and dirty work like killing was left to me.

I do _not_ like stalking my short-ass 'half-brother', thank you very much, and normally I would have protested against it… But I needed to get my mind free from things…

Like sex.

DAMNIT! It's _still_ the only damned thing on my mind, argh…

-

It was the first day of my assignment which I labeled 'Mission from Hell'.

Anyway… Since Dante didn't like having the Fullmetal Runt running around sticking his nose into things that don't concern him, she's been ordering Lust to watch him. Lust tended to stick to the shadows, never revealing herself to the blonde so he and his brother were completely oblivious that they were being constantly watched. Lust would only interfere with certain things when Ed learned too much… Such as when she burned down some library in Central…

But she and I are very different, so we do different things…

After a very long train ride from Dublith and to Central, I was at the city, feeling tired and annoyed. Central City is big. Very big. How was I supposed to find a small shrimp of a alchemist…?

I thought the odds were against me at first. I knew the brat would be somewhere around HQ, but even HQ is a pretty big area. I could check the military dorms… But there are several dormitory buildings. Which one would Ed be at…?

…I also could have always asked Pride or looked into it myself. I probably would have done that, but what happened next was so much easier. I saw Ed getting off a train right ahead of me.

How lucky.

---

**A/N: **I had a lot of trouble deciding on whether or not to leave it there… But laziness got the best of me once again -sigh-. Argh. It's off to such a bad beginning. 'tis too short. D: But if I didn't post this now, I'd never get around to it... Hopefully I'll be able to get the next chapter up soon, but I have two other ideas waiting to be written… Blargh. I swear the next chapter will be longer... If I ever get off my lazy ass and write it...


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** As always, I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

**Warnings: **Language and uh…bit of fighting. 'tis all.

**A/N:** Wow, six months since my last update… And here I promised I'd get around to updating sooner… Whoops. But I've finally figured out what I want to write, and I have a great deal of the fic planned out. I just hope I don't forget it all…or get lazy again… Unsurprisingly, my new plot bunnies are totally different than my old ones, so who knows how this fic'll turn out...

_Envy's PoV_

-----

_I saw Ed getting off a train right ahead of me._

_How lucky._

Who would have thought that things would be so easy? From what I had heard from Lust before, keeping tabs on the Elric brothers had always been a great bother for her. She had to track them down from place to place constantly, cover up their mistakes, keep them from uncovering certain things, and prevent them from getting into life-threatening situations.

But if these brats popped up _so_ damn easily, how the hell could the other stuff be hard?

Now that's something to ponder about.

Well I digress….

No one wants to hear about these things. It's my sex problems most people want to hear about. But there's not much of that happening for awhile…

Now I couldn't just stand in the middle of the train station, gawking at the brats. I had to hide myself. I have to be sneaky-like, you know?

So I changed my form right then and there, into an ordinary looking man of some sort. Perhaps changing in the middle of a crowd wasn't the wisest of choices, but no one noticed so that's something I can overlook. Ed even looked at me without suspecting a single thing. I'm just that damn good sometimes.

As the brothers began walking off the train and out of the station, I began following. Thanks to the crowd, I could stick by quite close without them noticing me. It didn't matter much, though. Their conversation was hardly interesting at all.

"That lazy-ass frickin' Colonel. Can't he do _anything_ himself?"

Take a wild guess who that was.

"Now, now, Brother… I'm sure Colonel Mustang has a reason for giving you so much work."

Now if you guessed Ed before, good job! It shouldn't be too hard figuring out who the second speaker is.

"And what reason would _that_ be? In case you haven't noticed, half this crap has nothing to do with me! That bastard's just pushing all of his work onto me like he does with the rest of his pals."

I pretty much zoned out at this point.

It didn't take long before Ed and Al reached their…dorm room? No, this place looked different than the average military dormitories.

As hard as it may be to believe, the brats finally upgraded from a single-room shithole to an actual apartment. I was quite surprised. Neither Lust nor Dante had thought to mention this before though… Damn them.

Since I couldn't exactly follow them inside, I walked past the place and wondered what I should do next. I figured that my stalking sessions could start tomorrow since there was really no point in watching them while they were at home. They couldn't exactly kill themselves in their apartment, could they?

I didn't think so.

-

So I've been watching the Fullmetal Pipsqueak and his brother for a little over a week by now. Lust had been right, actually. This job was boring as hell. But it _wasn't_ difficult… Bothersome, yes, but certainly not hard.

I spent half the time not even watching the brats. I'm such a hard worker.

But thanks to my laziness, I actually stumbled upon something that would have gotten me into a hell of a lot of trouble if I hadn't encountered it.

It was late, but not _too_ late. The time where little brats would complain to their mommies about not wanting to go to bed just yet, but the mother-bitch would insist that they go to bed _right this minute_ and that it was their _goddamn bed time for Christ's sake._

Yeah. That sort of time.

And no, that example _isn't_ from personal experience.

Honest.

I was on my way to the motel I was staying at, which just had to be blocks away from Edward's apartment, but I knew that Ed would be returning from work around this time. So instead of simply going down a few streets, I had to cut through alleyways and backstreets, going _completely_ out of the way _just_ so that I wouldn't run into the damn runt.

Oh and did I mention that this way was longer? It was. Boy was it long. It must have tacked on a full ten minutes to my walking time. The things I do for my job…

This was the day that I discovered that crazy, killer Ishbalans are frequently sighted in those dark alley sort of places. But this man wasn't the friendly sort of crazy, killer Ishbalan; no, it just _had_ to be Scar, the man who vows to kill all State Alchemists. And guess who just happened to be a State Alchemist? That's right. Ed. Goddamnit.

"Homunculus," he stated as I rounded the corner into his territory, turning his creepy crimson eyes on me.

I blinked and probably did the spitting image of a 'Who…me?' impersonation.

"I have no quarrels with you. Leave."

Quite direct, isn't he?

"I'm only passing through. Forget you even saw me," I snapped just a bit irritably as I walked past the man. He didn't bother to stop me, but I could feel his eyes on me the whole way.

But then it dawned on me what Scar _was_ there for… I stopped and glanced back over my shoulder at the man. "Just who are you waiting for in this dark and scary area of town?"

"That's no concern of yours."

I sighed and turned, placing a hand on my hip as I stared over at the Ishbalan. "I'll be the judge of that. I'm sure my master wouldn't mind much if I killed you right now. Actually, she'd be thrilled. So if you want to keep your life, I'd advise you to answer my damn question."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the smoothest of talkers sometimes…

"…."

"Is it the Fullmetal brat?"

"…!"

"It is, isn't it?" I sighed again. "The runt's taking another route, you know. He's coming from the library. If you want to kill him, you ought to go and wait for him a few blocks down, otherwise you'll never catch him."

Scar's eyes narrowed, but he stayed put like a good boy. Hopefully he would listen to my lie and turn right around and walk away and in turn guaranteeing that Ed would live to see another day.

That's what I did at least. I began walking back out of the alley, looking forward to a nice long sleep in my warm, cozy bed at the motel. It was a pretty nice one, too, actually, for a hotel room, that is. Makes me wonder, though, just how many people have slept in that room before me…? And if they had slept _with_ anyone and…fuck. My thoughts seem to be wandering again…

That night I thought that maybe I would actually try out my hand for once. _That_ was how desperate I had been getting. A simple masturbation session… It would _have_ to keep my thoughts clear for the rest of the week… Or so I had hoped. But I never got around to experimenting (then again, this is a motel bed we're talking about. I probably wouldn't have been able to go through with it if I had made it to my room…) because a certain red-eyed jerk decided to be a jerk.

The first thing I noticed was a hand on my shoulder, stopping me once again in my tracks.

"If you are in league with the State Alchemists then you are an enemy of mine. Prepare to die."

…no wonder the guy hardly speaks. 'Prepare to die?' My _God_ is that cheesy…

Next thing I know is that my shoulder is blown to bits…

Scar must have caught on to my little lie.

Then I remember that it's been a good while since I had last had some stones. Dante had been stingy at the time with them. I wasn't going to battle, she had said. I was simply going to watch a mere boy in Central City. There was no need to replenish my stone supply.

She conveniently forgot to mention the psycho Ishbalans.

The damn hag is _always_ forgetting things…

Now my shoulder is healing at a slower than usual pace, but I managed to twist around and back flip to avoid that head blowy-uppy technique of Scar's. The man's a fast one, I'll give him that, but I could avoid most of his blows with ease. The only thing that I was wary of was actually getting hit again. Scar's hand is capable of very destructive things, and I really didn't need it anywhere near my body parts. Even if they did wind up healing, it still hurt like a bitch.

Of course, I got a few blows of my own in. A kick to the head, a kick to the stomach, a kick to the shins… I did a lot of kicking that night. But I was mainly trying to talk the lunatic out of blowing me up.

"What the _fuck_?!" I screeched, just a bit peeved at having my shoulder blown off moments ago. "Since _when_ have I been in league with that short shit?"

"You're trying to protect him. It seems to me you're an ally of his," came Scar's cool reply as he grabbed me by my hair and yanked. Pissed, I tried my best to knock the jerk off balance, but that tattooed hand of his was on my face in mere moments and my head ceased to be.

I kind of blacked out for a couple of seconds after collapsing. A body can't function without its head, after all, not even a homunculus's. Also, in order to regenerate a complicated body part like a head, it takes up a _lot _of stone juice, which I had been lacking at the time. Needless to say, once my head _did_ heal, I was winded.

But I had to fight… Or at least make Scar back off. One of my main priorities was to make sure Ed didn't wind up getting himself killed. Dante seemed to have taken a liking to the brat. Probably because of his remarkable resemblance towards his father… Disgusting. Oh, and, of course, because we needed someone to create a new Philosopher's Stone at some point in the future, but I still think that Ed being the bastard's son has more to do with Dante's obsession.

Panting, I stared over at Scar, trying to figure out some way to get out of this mess. I couldn't risk getting hit with a blow like that last one again… But his attacks kept coming and coming and my patience began fading and fading. Finally, I threw all caution to the wind and shape shifted my arm into a long, deadly blade. _That_ caught Scar's attention. Now _he_ was the one on the defense. I was getting quite a few hits in, but they were hardly even bothering the Ishbalan. The guy's made like a fricking tank. I have him sliced up left and right, but he's still standing and just as quick and strong as ever!

Maybe if I lopped off his head… _That_ would keep him down for good.

My patience, as I have said before, was very thin. This led to me making a few foolish mistakes… I misjudged the power in some of his punches and my aim began growing a bit off. And I was tired. Very, very tired… You see, stones are a homunculus's life source. Without them, we grow weak and fragile, much like a human, easily susceptible to fatigue and injury. With them, we're near invincible. I say this because it's pretty hard to kill a being that heals major wounds in seconds and has super human strength and agility.

When I finally realized my blunders, it was too late. I was taking too many hits, thankfully from the man's non-tattooed arm, and was pretty bruised up. I reverted my arm back to normal, not wanting to waste any of my vitals later on when I would probably be needing them.

"You're weak," Scar stated, throwing a punch which I easily avoided for once. "I remember you being far stronger, homunculus. Is this a trick of some sort?"

I wished.

"Cocky sunavabitch," I sneered, scowling angrily.

Then the worst possible thing happened.

I was thrown against the alley's brick wall and I heard a surprised gasp coming from the entrance of the alleyway. "Envy…? _Scar?_" came a bewildered voice.

Both of our heads turned to stare; Scar, practically jubilant at finding his prey, and me… well, pretty humiliated and pissed still.

To think I was getting beat down by a _human_… And Ed was here to see.

After spotting Edward, Scar released me and made the stupid mistake of turning his back on me as well. Honestly, how could he just forget that I was there? The bastard…

But I was now torn between two things. I could let Scar kill the Elric brat, but that wouldn't be as satisfying as killing the shrimp myself. Also, I would get into a lot of trouble with Dante… Or, I could do as I've been ordered and make sure that Ed _doesn't_ get his sorry ass killed.

Edward's golden eyes went wide and mine narrowed.

Scar was advancing on the blonde, fist clenching at his side. As much as I would have liked to see Ed get blown to bits, I couldn't let that happen, sadly. I leapt at the Ishabalan, latching onto his back and beating him upside the head with my fist.

_That_ ought to teach the bastard to turn his back on _me_.

"Brat," I snarled, looking briefly at Ed. "Get the fuck out of here. I can't hold him off for much longer."

If possible, Edward's face got even more confused.

"Wait… Why…why are you fighting him?"

The idiot! Why couldn't he listen to a simple command?

"_Get out of here_," I growled one last time before I was flung across the alleyway, my back hitting the wall hard. Exhausted, I crumpled to a heap on the floor then shakily rose to my feet.

But then I noticed an alchemic flash illuminating the dark street.

Ed wasn't… He wasn't planning on fighting was he? Could my night _get_ any worse?

"He's obviously after me. I don't need a homunculus to watch my back," Ed retorted, his automail arm gleaming in the moonlight.

Idiot, idiot, idiot. The world is frickin' full of them.

Scar apparently wasn't as idiotic as he seemed though. I think he had figured out that my healing powers weren't up to par. As I was getting up, he attacked. His fist came out of nowhere, grabbing and eager to blow me to bits.

But even when I'm considerably weakened, I'm not exactly helpless. I jerked to the side, missing most of the carnage. Scar's hand grazed my side though…

I grit my teeth, holding in a gasp of pain as a good deal of my side exploded. From what I can recall, it wasn't as bad as it could have been, just a small hole in my side. An average human would have undoubtedly been sent to the hospital for a few weeks because of it, but as I'm sure you all know, I'm not exactly human. I kept conscious, but I was down and off my feet, and would possibly be out for the count quite soon, especially with the Ishbalan bum just a few feet away.

If it hadn't been for Ed, who knows what would have happened. But _I_ would like to think that I would have made it out just fine. I don't need to rely on an _Elric's_ help.

From where I was, slumped on the ground against the wall, I had quite the view of a blade slicing across Scar's shoulder, just barely missing his head. Blood sprayed down on me, though, much to my disgust. But then again, I was leaving quite the puddle of stone juice myself… My vision was also beginning to grow a little fuzzy around the edges, but it was nothing a good shake of my head couldn't clear.

Breathing hard, I struggled to get back to my feet. _I_ was the one supposed to be doing the protecting…

Yet a voice broke my focus and I fell back down with an 'oomph', gasping quietly from the pain that seared up my stomach and chest. "Tell me what's going on here, Envy. Why are you fighting?"

I looked up with a grimace and was greeted with Ed's piercing gaze. The blonde had the tip of his automailed blade to Scar's throat, freezing the Ishbalan in his tracks. At least that was one problem taken care of for the moment. Now I just had to figure out some way to answer Ed's question…

After another angry bark from Ed, I licked my dry lips and managed to speak, "For the…fun of it, shrimp… Why else?" I then coughed, hacking up a bit of blood. My wound must have been worse than I thought… But regardless of how bad it was, I knew it would heal. It would just take…a little longer than usual. Especially after all the small hits I had taken earlier.

Ed apparently wasn't pleased with my answer. He glared then back-stepped a little, away from Scar.

I think all the blows Scar had been taking up to this point had finally started getting to him. Combined with the wound on his shoulder, he didn't look too well. Swaying on his feet, the man cursed quietly under his breath and lunged at Ed once more.

I can't give a more detailed explanation of the fight since my memory's a little foggy. I was losing a lot of stone fluid and my vision kept going in and out of focus. It had to have been only a few minutes later, when I felt a arm slip around my waist, tugging me up to my feet, along with an irritated voice complaining in to my ear.

"Get _up_," the voice urged, sounding a little frantic. "He's getting back up, damnit. _Fuck!_"

He dropped me.

The damn shrimp _dropped_ me.

That was the last straw. I blacked out completely.

-----

**A/N**: I'm not sure if I like how this turned out… It feels rushed. But it's like…twice as long as my last chapter. That's good…right? As for the next chapter, I'm debating on whether or not to change the PoV to third-person… Unless people like Envy's narrative? Hmm… Looks like I left off on another cliffy...


End file.
